Hypnotherapy clears the mind
By rod Haxton, editor
A California woman who describes herself as Barbie-obsessed says she uses hypnotherapy sessions in the hopes that it will decrease her IQ.
“I just want to be the ultimate Barbie. I actually want to be brainless,” said 38-year-old Blondie Bennett.
She says it’s working.
“I’ve had 20 sessions and I’m already starting to feel ditzy and confused all the time,” Bennett said during a recent interview.
Once she has completed the hypnotherapy sessions Bennett is indicating she will run on the Republican ticket for Congress, most likely as a Tea Party candidate. She’s not planning to run during the mid-term election cycle this year because Bennett feels that, in her current state of mind, she would be overqualified.
While the treatments may sound unusual to most of us, Congressman Tim Huelskamp recently boasted during a Republican caucus that he’s already had 30 hypnotherapy sessions and “feels wonderful.”
“The freedom that one gains from not having to think before talking is absolutely unbelievable,” he said.
It has to be liberating when one can ignore the laws of nature, shun science and live in their own alternate universe.
More than 300 scientists from 160 research groups in 48 countries contributed to a State of the Climate report which confirms that the past decade was the warmest on record and that the earth has been growing warmer over the past 50 years. That doesn’t concern House Republicans, such as Rep. Fred Upton (R-Mich.), who happens to be chairman of the Energy and Commerce Committee. He and Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.) refuse to accept any evidence that humans have any role in climate change.
After completing just 10 hypnotherapy sessions, Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama) found it surprisingly easy to defend his decision to send American troops into Iraq and Afghanistan but vote against a $21 billion aid package for U.S. veterans because it’s “too expensive.”
It’s estimated that the short- and long-term costs of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars will be $4 trillion to $6 trillion - all of which is borrowed - but we have to find some way to pay for the $21 billion to help returning veterans.
Surely hypnotherapy sessions won’t interfere with the need to help members of the military who are the victims of sexual assaults? Not so, according to Sen. Jerry Moran who was last seen chasing butterflies across the White House lawn.
Thanks to the Kansas Senator, efforts to bring two sexual assault bills to the Senate floor for a vote were blocked. He prevented the vote in an effort to force the U.S. government to impose stricter sanctions on Iran because, as anyone undergoing hypnotherapy knows, we can’t protect our military personnel from sexual assault unless we can stop Iran from exporting oil.
“Before hypnotherapy, throwing sexual assault victims under the bus would have seemed insensitive, even inhuman,” said Moran with a blank stare in his eyes. “But today it makes perfect sense.”
It’s that same logic which has driven Republicans to cut food stamps for families.
“There was a time when I felt food stamps were necessary,” said Huelskamp. But after a long pause, he added, “No, that isn’t true. I’m not sure food stamps ever served a good purpose. I think they drive people to be lazy and look to the government for even more handouts.
“Hypnotherapy cleared my mind so that I now realize the only way to get people to find a second or third job and quit depending on the government for help is to make their kids go hungry,” says Huelskamp, whose family received $2.7 million in free handouts (aka, federal farm subsidies) between 1995 and 2009.
When told that what his family has received in federal subsidies would provide a family of three with enough food stamps to last 450 years, Huelskamp responded, “That’s another great thing about hypnotherapy. I no longer believe in science or math. That’s why I believe that by cutting taxes for the wealthy, we can balance the budget.”
That comment prompted investigative reporters to determine how many legislators in Topeka are also undergoing hypnotherapy.
When told that many of his Republican colleagues are going through hypnotherapy, Sen. Pat Roberts laughed.
“I was doing hypnotherapy before it even had a name,” says Roberts. “The sessions have been so effective I know that I have full access to a recliner, but I just can’t remember what state it’s in.”
Medical researchers who are concerned with the long-term effects of hypnotherapy have begun to study the effect of second-hand hypnotherapy.
“There’s reason to believe that as more and more Republican lawmakers go through hypnotherapy the people who vote for them begin to show similar symptoms of mindlessly believing whatever they are told and babbling incoherently,” says one researcher.
“How else can you explain that someone like Pat Roberts has been in office for more than 30 years yet, according to a Public Policy Poll, 41 percent of Kansans have no opinion of him. It’s almost inconceivable to imagine a politician being that anonymous after 30 years.
“It’s not just Tea Party conservatives, but the people who vote for them who are exhibiting a disturbing tendency not to ask questions or inquire about the facts on an issue. We haven’t seen anything like this since Sen. Joe McCarthy,” the researcher said.
“Not hardly,” he adds. “Who do you think is the Father of Hypnotherapy?”
Rod Haxton can be reached at email@example.com
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