Forget a chicken in every pot
By Rod Haxton, editor
In an apparent effort to rebrand himself and the Republican Party, Gov. Sam Brownback is selling porn.
Yes, that stodgy, ultra-conservative image that Brownback has cultivated so carefully for so many years is being cast off in hopes of salvaging another term in the governor’s office.
“I think everyone should give Gov. Brownback credit for being way ahead of the curve on this,” says a Republican campaign consultant. “The governor has seen the fading popularity of Tea Party politics. With Sen. Pat Roberts and Congressman Tim Huelskamp fighting for their political lives, and with the governor trailing in most polls, he decided that it was time for the people of Kansas to see him in a different way.”
Porn provided the perfect opportunity.
You see, Larry Minkoff, the owner of a porn shop, had his merchandise confiscated by the state for failure to pay taxes.
According to the Topeka Capital-Journal, about 400 lots of merchandise (lots can include dozens of items) have been turned back over to Minkoff for him to sell at auction. This merchandise includes porn DVDs, sex and drinking games, lingerie, a wide assortment of sexually oriented equipment, a Glass Pleasure Wand and much more.
Proceeds from the auction will be used to pay taxes owed by Minkoff.
“This is a gift to Brownback from the Goddess of Election Erotica,” says the GOP consultant.
“Our internal polls show that one of the things voters don’t like about Brownback is that he comes across as too ‘preachy’ and stiff. What better way to dispel that image than to be able to include on your election brochures that you sell porn. Suddenly people are looking at you a lot differently.”
Democrats are furious.
“It seems all too convenient that as the state treasury is going into the tank suddenly the Republicans have all this porn they can sell in order to help bring the state into the black,” says a Democrat legislator. “It sure would be nice to know if this Minkoff is a Republican and if he has previous ties to the Republican political machine.”
Many Democrats are in agreement that it’s not just a coincidence that the governor is selling porn on the heels of it being revealed that Democratic gubernatorial candidate Paul Davis happened to be in a southeast Kansas strip club at the time it was raided 16 years ago. Whether or not the then unmarried Davis was getting a lap dance is in dispute. Law enforcement said that Davis was involved in no wrong-doing and just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Nonetheless, the Davis campaign has been caught completely flat-footed by Brownback’s porn sale.
Fearing that the Brownback campaign is going to outflank him on the left, Davis is urging the county attorney in Coffeyville to take another look at his strip club incident.
“We’re not saying that anything more occurred than was originally reported, but then again, it’s possible,” said a Davis campaign spokesman. “Hey, our candidate can have just as much fun as the next guy. Don’t sell our guy short just because he doesn’t have access to a warehouse of sex toys.”
Brownback’s new strategy has received unexpected support from organizations on the far right, including the Kansas Policy Institute.
“We’ve been telling taxpayers for years that we could lower the cost of public education in Kansas if school districts would spend down all their reserves,” explains KPI President Dave Trabert.
“How disingenuous would it be if we didn’t hold the governor to that same standard. If he has all this porn lying around for a rainy day, so to speak, then he owes it to Kansas taxpayers to sell it off. It’s the fiscally responsible thing to do.”
Gov. Brownback and his campaign committee have already thrown all their resources behind this porn sale. Campaign insiders report that a series of commercials are already scheduled to begin airing in the 1:00-4:00 a.m. advertising time slot in which you can hear Brownback’s voice saying seductively, “Hey, swinger, are you looking for other hot singles you can talk to? Or are you looking for some added excitement in the bedroom? The State of Kansas can help.”
In another advertising spot, Brownback asks, “Have you been looking for that certain sexually-oriented device to create an added sense of adventure when you enter the voting booth? Or maybe that Pipedream Fantasy Love Swing is the only thing that’s missing from your election night watch party.”
Democrats have already been in contact with the Federal Communications Commission wondering if this violates equal time provisions of political campaigns.
Political experts are predicting that the legal arguments surrounding the sale of porn could have a ripple effect, not just in Kansas politics, but throughout the nation. It’s been reported that the Sen. Roberts campaign staff has been in contact with Brownback to see if there might be another warehouse of porn available to Republican candidates.
Republicans in Kansas have been rejuvenated by this turn of events.
“A chicken in every pot is so 1930s,” says a GOP consultant. “A sex toy in every bedroom . . . now that’s something we can campaign on. I’d like to see how the Democrats can top that.”
Rod Haxton can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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